


Learning to Lie

by Fujiwara_no_Seimei



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-03-14
Updated: 2011-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-16 23:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fujiwara_no_Seimei/pseuds/Fujiwara_no_Seimei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Abe Takaya had always known that he was not like the other boys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Knowlege

Abe Takaya had always known that he was not like the other boys.

He was thirteen when it really began to set in, though, how different he was. He knew that other boys touched themselves. Knew the science and reasons for having orgasms. Understood on an intellectual level that erotic imagery or thoughts made them want to do it. But he himself had never been interested. It didn’t occur to him that this might be seen as strange by his peers. Mostly because he’d never expect to have to discuss it with them. It wasn’t until some of the more outgoing (troublesome) seniors smuggled a dirty magazine into the locker room that Abe had to face it. Though he attempted to stay removed from the conversation, one of his senpai turned over his shoulder and asked Abe if – while holding the center spread in front of him – he thought “this” was hot.

After a pause, and because Abe was not really accustomed to the need to lie, he shrugged. Only the disturbed looks on his teammates faces gave him the impression that it was the wrong way to answer.

Breasts and vaginas had never done anything for Abe. At was only at this moment that he wondered if the problem wasn't with him, but in the source material.

Not long after the incident in the locker room, Haruna broke his heart by stepping off the mound at a crucial moment. That was when Abe also learned that there was a benefit to keeping feelings a secret sometimes.

\----

The thing about keeping feelings locked up inside, though, is that they turned into pressure. Pressure that slowly crystallized his hurt into bitterness. Changed his sweet innocence into worn skepticism.

Abe realized the whole truth about his sexuality shorty after he turned fourteen. Now he was facing the pressure of choosing a high school. Taking entrance exams. Surveying baseball clubs. Trying not to let the memory of Haruna creep back into his thoughts, compounding the internal pressure even more. Trying not to wonder why Haruna had chosen Musashino. Or whether Haruna thought about him. Or if he wondered if Abe would follow him. Or even cared at all.

But he did think about Haruna. He thought about catching for Haruna. Haruna’s amazing, stupid, genius pitches. Before he knew it, he was thinking about Haruna's body. The parts of Haruna's body he didn't want to think about. And then he was jerking himself off for the first time, and when his first self-inflicted orgasm washed over him, he understood, finally, why it was so important to the other guys to do it all the time.

He only felt guilty about masturbating to thoughts of other men the first two times he did it. After that, he decided very matter-of-factly that self-loathing was stupid and anyone who thought otherwise could go fuck themselves.

\----

A year later, Haruna was far behind him. Ahead of him, though, was a chance at Koshien with a _much_ better pitcher, at least by Abe’s emotionally war-torn standards.

Abe had become very good at making the issue of his sexuality completely unapproachable. Even if it was only because he made his whole being wholly unapproachable as well. His “back off” glare was near impenetrable, and his reputation as a bitter nag kept any personal questions far away.

Until training camp. It was always the smuggled dirty magazines that made his life difficult. And Tajima, who also had a running talent for making his life difficult as well.

When asked what his personal kink was, he, flustered, sputtered out something stupid about girls with nice skin while attempting to be nonchalant about the whole thing. He did a fairly good job of it. He found a plan "B" in camaraderie with Suyama, and went with the "you're all perverts" angle.

Yeah. That would shut them up for a while.

And it did. But that while was decidedly short.


	2. Shame

It was Mizutani who figured it out first. Why fate had put them in the same magazine shop at the same time, the world would never know.

The tragedy of Abe's knee injury had come and gone, but the insecurity of his broken bonds with Mihashi had not. Everything had seemed fine for a while after he was injured. They had made a promise to work together, to combine their strengths to win. But that was easy for Mihashi to say, because he didn't have to sit out several weeks of games. He didn't have to watch his partner make connections with another catcher. Didn’t have to feel left out and left behind as his partner grew and matured exponentially.

One day, Abe and Mihashi checked their height and weight. They marveled at their growth. And then Abe watched as Mihashi, determined, declared his rivalry with Haruna and his desire to grow stronger.

Suddenly Mihashi seemed very far away.

\----

It was a few days after that moment that Abe needed to get the pressure out again. He was facing the prospect of possibly liking Mihashi more than as a pitcher. _His_ pitcher. He really didn’t want to be so emotionally predictable that he fell for all of his pitchers, but it was also starting to seem very obvious. Which it wasn’t, at least, not to the others. They didn’t think he was in love with Mihashi, they just thought he was weird.

But it was obvious to Abe, who had snuck himself into a magazine shop a town over that Tajima has praised as “not into asking questions.” When inside, he understood why, as it was filled with magazines and videos spanning all manner of kink and preference.

Abe spent some time tentatively surveying the male magazines. Though they were aimed at women, they served the right purpose, so after a deep breath, he picked out one that involved some costumes to survey. Flipping it over, he found the back cover boasting that it contained “doctors”, “athletes”, “professionals”, “furry friends” (he shuddered,) and more. The man on the cover was wearing a suit and glasses, all askew and beckoning and-

The sound Abe heard from behind him was not unlike something being strangled. And when he turned around to view the source, he thought strangling the stunned Mizutani Fumiki wasn’t such a bad idea.

\----

Abe did not buy the magazine. He didn’t buy any magazine. He put the cosplay-themed erotic periodical down, _calmly_ , glared the most furious glare at the shit left as he could, and left the store.

The anger and humiliation was so intense, that he jerked himself off right in the shower, to the mental image of Mihashi with glasses and an askew tie and an ass that wanted to be pounded.

For that, Abe felt ashamed for masturbating for the first time ever.

\----

This made the next school day unbearably difficult. Not only did he have to avoid Mizutani’s (to his credit, utterly terrified) gaze, but now Izumi’s curious one, which only made Abe feel like ripping his guts out at the the thought of his teammates not only knowing about his sexuality, but _talking_ about it. Normally, he would take it out on Mihashi, but the feeling of utter disgust with himself for fantasizing about the sweet, eager, trusting pitcher of his made him want to commit seppuku ten times over. So badgering Mihashi was out.

That left Hanai, the closest thing he had to a friend, to share mutual space with. It didn’t take long for Hanai to realize that Abe’s wasn’t doing well. The first indication, of course, was that he wanted to warm up with Hanai in the first place.

\----

“Do you need someone to...uh...” Hanai began, as nonchalantly as he could (which wasn’t very much) as he and Abe carried crates of baseballs to the storage room. Abe glared at him halfway through the sentence out of instinct, but proceeded to shake his head and prompt the end of the question.  
“Need someone to what, Hanai?”  
Hanai put the crate on the floor with a grunt, and then remained crouched for a moment. He inhaled, and said, steadily, “to talk to?”

Abe seized up.

Oh God, did he ever.

But did it need to be Hanai?

Abe put his crate down next to Hanai’s, stayed crouched next to the captain. Looked down at the balls, then put his face in his hands, saying nothing. Hanai gave a nervous look around him, unsure of what to do. He then took a deep breath and put his hand on Abe’s back.  
“I don’t think anybody has ever seen you this tense,” Hanai said, voice shaking. “I... thought it was my job as the captain to try and talk to you...but...”  
“But?” Abe repeated, not sure what he could be leading to.

“But I’m not asking you as captain, Abe. It’s....as your friend.”

Abe looked back down and shuddered, gently, before leaning over, very slowly... and resting his head on Hanai’s shoulder.

They stayed that way for a few long minutes, Abe shaking a little, stifling back what threatened to be tears.

“Abe...” Hanai said, nudging his head up with his shoulder. “What’s going on? This isn’t right. This... I don’t understand what could be going on to make you this upset.”

Abe didn’t know where to start. So he started by sitting down.


End file.
